Agony of a restless mind

Why does my past disturb me so often, lately? Almost every night is beset with flashes of my experiences in the land of the free and the home of the brave. I experience intense agony during the episodes, a deep sense of longing, a feeling… that somehow, my life till date has been stringed together by failures.

Why does it express itself so intensely, in the night, when all else but my mind has quietened down into a silent rhythm. I long for those moments, and those, that never existed, but in my mind. Why am I repreatedly reminded of  the rejection, of a possible future , entwined ?

I desire peace…..

I am almost… in tears…in fear of the night. and the accompanying agony.  How exactly do I process this past, vast, with experiences, of experiential learnings and loveless yearnings..for many many …two many , too many  moments.For Whom I wrote… ”For each moment that you have graciously bestowed upon me…i will return a lifetime or two.. ” hesitated not one moment in rejecting …my dreams of growing older… watching the sun go down, of treading on leaves that have changed color, in unison, of springtime in a future that is mine… have  …..for ever been trampled upon, erased.. not yet.. may be… in time. What life do I have , to live for? What  A life I have, to live for?

Is life meant to satisfy my wants… Do I have to die wanting… in satisfaction? If otherwise… Dear Life!!!.. Why..do I need to want anything, ever, at all???

Why does it feel at the end of the  lines.. that I am wanting .. not wanted.. yet? welll I shall wait until the ripples fade out into the distance…. so I cant see them anymore when everything is  all clear.